Friday, August 18, 2006

Thank you for your cooperation

We don't have much in our village. There's a school (mainly portacabins). A pub (being refurbished). A church (mainly pensioners). And a bus shelter (mainly people without driving licenses).

It's not a bad little bus shelter, actually, set back slightly from the main road so we don't have to hear the anguished shouts of car drivers forced - forced, I tell you - to brake to a snail-like 40 mph just because a few smelly, probably in-bred miserables might want to do ridiculous things like cross the road. Our bus shelter's not even particularly vandalised - probably because we don't particularly have any teenagers. It keeps us warm and dry and it's one of those little things that make you think, "Hey, maybe some people do give a toss about public transport".

And then the other day, a woman in a big fat people carrier parked up at our bus stop, got out her two-year old, went into our bus shelter, pulled down his trousers, and encouraged him to deposit a big pool of urine on our floor. She had unwittingly misinterpreted our enclosed, safe, warm, usually unsmelly, shelter as a public convenience for weak-bladdered car users.

So you're driving along the A146 and little Jeremy or Georgie or whatever the hell rich women in fat people carriers call their offspring is yelling that he needs a wee. Where do you have him do it? In a field maybe? Whatever about behind an oak tree or a hedgerow? Maybe you could turn down a side road or nip into a wood or even (this being harvest time) in a field?

But, no, that wouldn't be a sufficiently contemptuous gesture towards users of public transport, would it? Why not piss in their bus shelter? It's not like Georgie and Mummy are ever going to spend lengthy periods of time in it, is it?

Now you may have guessed that I'm a bit of a dove on law and order issues, but would it be so much to ask that a leather-clad policeman on a fusion powered hoverbike might zoom down from the sky, administer a crisp Zidane to her face, declare "Urinating in a bus shelter in the United Kingdom is a crime punishable by annihilation, Ma'am" and then flick the switch on his Punishment Rod to reduce her to a blackened, twitching, smoking corpse?


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