Why couldn't I have had Dick Jones as a teacher?

If I had, I might not have dropped English Lit at sixteen, grown up to be a properly responsible person and my writing might now be as lyrical as his Patteran Pages. And if he can fill up space with a meme then, damn it, so can I.


Four jobs you've had in your life:

Kitchen porter at a holiday camp. A rancid, violent environment. I spent twenty-four hours throwing up after a particularly wild night in Lowestoft. Haven't been drunk since.

Aimless government programming drone.

Temp for Norwich City Council. Surprisingly more fun than it sounds.

Self-employed company setter-upper. What I should be doing right now.


Four movies you could watch over and over:

I couldn't. Except maybe Groundhog Day, ironically.


Four places you've lived:

The Sholver Estate, Oldham, Lancs. A hideous estate on the edge of the Pennines where packs of wild dogs stalked the streets. I, terrified and six years old, hated it, and hate it still.

Woking, Surrey. During my brief period as an aimless government programming drone. Paul Weller wrote A Town Called Malice about Woking, you know.

Wallyford, East Lothian, Scotland. "Welcome to Nedville", said the graffiti at the railway station. I took the decision to leave when my two year old daughter got knocked over during a fight between a woman and a man in the children's play area at the Miners' Gala. The woman started it.

Ashby St Mary, Norfolk. Where I live now. So beautiful I could cry.


Four TV shows you love to watch:

Lost
Rome
Ski Sunday
Storyville


Four places you've been on holiday:

Hitching through New Zealand
The Trans-Siberian railway
Egypt on honeymoon
Ruin-spotting in Greece


Four websites you visit daily:

Wrath of the Barclay
Delenda Est Carthago
Dick Jones' Patteran Pages
Manchester Buccaneers


Four of your favourite foods:

I know this puts me in the "my God, he's some sort of freak" category, but I just don't like food very much. I eat because hunger pangs are unpleasant and if I don't, I'll end up like Karen Carpenter. These ones are OK, though:

Dried mango
Corn Flakes
Grapes
Chocolate


Four places you'd rather be:

Priene
Les Arcs
New York (not that I've been there)
St Petersburg (haven't been there either)


Four albums you can't live without:

Blue Aeroplanes - Swagger
Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man - Out of Season
Doves - The Last Broadcast
Half Man Half Biscuit - Cammell Laird Social Club