Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Crap Avengers

Disillusioned by the New Avengers? These ones were much, much worse.

Strangely hued barefooted woman with insect feelers sticking out of her head, brought up in a Vietnamese monastery. Always talked about herself in the third person ("This one finds your android arse pleasantly shapely, Vision"), so possibly marginally mentally disturbed. Eventually became the "Cosmic Madonna" which, despite its name, didn't involve dancing aggressively, stripping naked for a coffee table book or singing about being a virgin. Her dead boyfriend the Swordsman got resurrected by plant-people from the Zorf Galaxy.

One of many desultory attempts to bump up the ethnic minority quotient, Rage's progress was sadly held back by the fact that he chose to wear the kind of facemask more commonly associated with people who get given mandatory life sentences. Despite being built like a steroid-pumped Bulgarian weightlifter, turned out to be only twelve years old.

Otherwise known as the Nameless One, he managed to live six thousand years without developing any personality. Got hit by a meteorite or something after creator Walt Simonson was dropped for John Byrne. Miasmically dull, he is memorable only for being replaced by Sersi, who was slightly unhinged but fabulously sexy. Sample quote:

"I have had many names. I woke when the world was new and slew dragons. Enkidu was my brother; Achilles my friend. I helped Aeneas set his standard upon the Palatine Hill ... and strove beside David in the mountains of Judah."

I wouldn't fancy getting stuck next to him on a long-haul flight.

And how come he was mates with both Achilles and Aeneas, who were mutual enemies in the Trojan War?

Captain Britain
Created by Chuck Austen, a female version of the so-so Marvel UK character. Her personal tragedy was being unable to talk to her children without them dying horrifically - until Bendis started writing her, at which point she simply buggered off back to them. Either I missed the explanation, or Bendis just couldn't be bothered to tie it all up, and who could blame him?

Member of lunatic fringe religious cult and winner of the 2000 Marvel Comics Bad Costume Award. Fond of saying things like "What's a poor kid from the Bronx like me doing fighting alongside medieval knights and gods?" Which was fair enough, because it's well known that suburban teenagers find it much easier hanging out with deities.

Exactly like the Vision, only female. Don't they have a sub-editor who checks for duplicate characters?

Jack of Hearts
Bill Mantlo creation who used to follow Iron Man round like a big slobbery dog before Stark told him to piss off. As J. Jonah Jameson might say, "Someone called Jack Hart who looks like the Jack of Hearts, what are the odds?" Recently blown up, he took Scott Lang with him, who should probably also be included except I can't remember a thing about him.

Captain America
Sanctimonious dullard whose solo book has had more launches than the Cunard Fleet. Bored Nazis into submission by dribbling on about liberty and freedom and then thumping them with a shield. Tediously guilt-ridden about the death of his sidekick, Bucky, who died a mere sixty years ago. Get over it, Grandad. Suffered an unfortunate refrigeration accident which meant he missed the McCarthy era, when he would surely have felt completely at home. His mortal enemy is a blushing Keith Richards lookalike. Improbably, other Avengers look up to him, while dreading his motivational speeches.


Blogger Quoth the Raven said...

I navigated to this page purely by accident, and then thought I'd skim it to see what it was about. Having wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, I can safely say I'm glad I found this! And it's so rare to meet someone else who agrees with my own assessment of Captain America...

5:49 pm  
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